Category: diary

5/13/91

I realize now what a formative moment that battle w/ ETS was for me.

Up until then I had been anally-retentive because I had faith in the system, I believed in the system, not in those around me, I didn’t realize the absurdity of the system.

So when Chad & Vache cheated on the test, I turned them in, because they broke the rules. I also turned them in because they betrayed our trust, and I still think that what they did, that betrayal was wrong. But they understood, or at least Erevan understood that there was something fundamentally absurd

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about the system itself, one which bases a whole year’s work on one single test score. Their amorality was simply a reaction to the amorality of the whole system.

I realized this when ETS turned on us, the believers in the system. Though we believed in them, we were also a threat, because we had unknowingly & innocently revealed the weakness in their system.

If the educational establishment ever found out how easy it was to cheat on those tests, ETS would be doomed, they would lose out. So, they sided w/ the cheaters.

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So, we tried to do the right thing, the thing that we were taught was the moral, “good” decision to turn in the cheaters, our friends.

Our hands were not completely clean, because we found out the topics of the essays on the history tests before we were supposed to, but Chad had also gotten through years of school by cheating, and Erevan by selling his answers.

But they realized something that we had to be shown; that the system itself was (is) immoral & full of shit.

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Only when those we taught to defend crudely turned on us, did we realize how shitty the system is.

I stopped caring about “rules,” I still don’t cheat because I still believe in personal integrity & honesty as a higher value, above any system.

But, I wrote a paper for Omar, because I felt that the instructor was full of shit. She said that it had brilliant insights, but was too creative (original), so she gave him an F. He deserved it, because he had to rely on me to do his work for him. But she is also

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full of shit, because she says that there is only one way to write an essay.

That seems to be the job of “teachers,” to impose a standard on us. There is only one way to spell, there is only one way to read, there is only one way to write an essay.

This system of education is wrong, because it punishes creativity.

That is why my favorite classes in high school were geometry & creative writing, because w/in certain parameters,

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and using certain tools, like theorems & sentences, we were allowed to come up w/ any means to a solution. There was no one way to write a story, or create a proof.

Here in college I often find myself punished for creativity. Not by all instructors, but definitely by those who see their own way as the only way.

What does this have to do w/ ETS?

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Who is to say that sharing answers is even wrong? They just try to instill these “American” values on us, that the individual must be weighed & measured scientifically, stacked & categorized, and the freeloaders done away with.

They try to impose these things from above; a tyranny.

So, was Chad being a freeloader when he cheated off me, stole some of my knowledge. Maybe in the short run, in terms of their system of classification & categorization.

But the fact is that if he relied on me to know things, he

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didn’t know it. If at some point in the future, those things they tried to teach him were really important, he would eventually have to use them & come up empty; he would pay then. But if what they were teaching was meaningless, then this “teaching” is masturbation.

What is the point of testing? The system is a tyranny which does not trust us to learn for learning’s sake. We must prove to them that we know it.

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This is why modern education is a paranoid tyranny which proves & is fueled by immorality. “If they are tested constantly, they will be driven to study by fear of failure. That way we insure that they will learn.”

This attitude just reinforces cheating & grade-grubbing. We were the grade grubbers & they were the cheaters. We decided to “learn” by going for the top scores, while they said “fuck it” & cheated.

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The problem is that the system is based on fear, not love. We both feared failure & grubbing & cheating are both reactions to fear. One is the “honest” reaction, to learn their material as best we could so we could succeed w/in their system.

The cheaters reacted “dishonestly,” but in their own way, more honestly & more courageously than us. They said, fine, if you’re going to make me learn this shit & test me on it, then I’ll do whatever it takes to pass. They realized

10/18/90

I had a strange day today. This morning, there was an earthquake while I was brushing my teeth.

Then, during work, this very good looking blonde sorority girl took a pee while we cleaned out the lady’s room. I told her “bye.”

Then I went to see the G. Gordon Liddy / Timothy Leary debate. It was good fun / sinister Liddy arguing that he was right in breaking the law because of his own morality, like a true lawyer.

I snuck into the reception afterwards—they were checking the guest list, then a bunch of government in, so I slipped in w/ them.

We all crouched at Leary’s feet, eager to listen to him. I didn’t get a chance to talk much to him, he was being mobbed, but I got a chance to listen. He was in good shape, especially considering his age. His fluid movement reminded me of the Pink Panther, though he called Liddy: “Inspector Clouseau.”

I talked a little to Liddy, Leary left a bit early, though I talked to his entourage also: He said that he agreed w/ the basic premise of Libertarianism, but that in reality it wouldn’t work. He’s smart and sinister. I had to get his autograph.

Then, later on the candy machine gave me an extra dime, so I could get a bag of Lays, as well as peanut cookies.

Then, the fire alarm went off for bread baking & we all stood in the rain & freeze for ½ hour.

Harry looked up, ashamed, “Sorry about that momentary outburst of personal problems, it won’t happen again.”

The woman looked down, “Well, you’re forgiven this time, but we won’t be so lenient the next.”

Harry took the slip of paper that the faceless woman handed him. It said “proceed to department D.”

So, on he went down to the gray corridor to a door with a big brown D on it. He went in.

“Come, come here,” said another faceless woman behind a steel reception desk. Her hair was tied tight in a bun, and her eyes were dark and black like little black holes, pinpricks w/o light. She fidgeted beneath her grey syntho-wool miniskirt.

He handed over the card. She tore it from him.

“Do you have your identification number?” she said.

“Oh yes,” he said, fumbling for his card through his old leather wallet. “Sorry I haven’t memorized it. Here it is.”

He read his number off to her and she typed it onto the computer.

His file flashed up onto the black and white screen.

“Ugh,” said the woman, “I see the problem right here, you were terminated six months ago.”

10/18/90

Today, 3 drunken sorority girls warned me of the danger of marijuana.

One said “it’ll kill your brain cells. You look like a smart boy, I’d hate for you to get stupid over dope, promise me that you’ll quit, for me.”

The second said: “Do you want a wife? do you want a girlfriend? Then don’t smoke out! Boys who smoke out are lazy and slow.”

The third just groaned: “Tell the room to stop spinning, I think I’m gonna be sick!”

I smiled:

“My weed has worn off, now I can work, but your beer still spins the room for you.”

So far I have been harassed for being a vegetarian and gentle pothead; for not supporting the possible war in Iraq, for calling for the impeachment of Bush, for being a member of the Peace & Freedom party, and for not liking the “system” & for smoking nutmeg. I’ve got to quit the band & get up to Santa Cruz.

2020-03-21

My father was born in 1941, right at the start of world world 2. He passed on 3/21/2020 at 645pm.

He was able to meet Charlie Mingus as the president of his university jazz club only to see the whole band get food poisoned by Johns Hopkins staff at the time.

Was it intentional food poisoning? Most likely Mingus would have thought it was, his music wasn’t exactly popular anywhere south of NYC.

My dad was in that tiny generation in between ww2 vets and the boomers. He was drafted before we got into Vietnam and served out his time in Germany rather than Indochina. He was a court reporter for the army at that time.

My favorite time, when we had a major power outage and he couldn’t go to work, extra time to bring out the old dungeons and dragons, my dad was an amazing dungeon master.

He worked his whole adult life for the army corps of engineers. He got a master’s in public policy and even though he was a life long republican became a big fan of Obama until he was unable to be a fan of anything besides the tv shows shown over and over on the tv at the home. He believed in data driven government, analytics and using science rather than violence to solve problems.

He’s not dying from the virus, he developed dementia around 10 years ago. Which is becoming more common especially in polluted southern california. Its a long slow death now he is finally coming to an end to being imprisoned in a broken body and his spirit can find freedom and the ecstacy of the union with OM. But we will miss him badly we have been missing him the whole time as he went into decline.

He always loved music, had one of the best vinyl collections outside of say somebody like Richard Branson who was rich and in the industry. Sadly his collection degraded from lack of play after he got his career going.